3rd Wednesday Comparisons

Sometimes I feel as if I've made so little progress because every day still seems so much like the same struggle.

When I look back at last month's Third Wednesday and compare it to this months- I do see little baby steps of progress. 

Last Third Wednesday:

I was very late

I sat outside 

On the curb

With my cigarette

Crying

Not wanting to even step foot inside and worship

I felt defeated 

I felt beaten

I felt lost despite being found

I cried out to the Lord to send me someone to talk to. And He did. 5 minutes after, some random girl from Fullerton came outside, stopped, and just helped me talk through everything that was going on. It was awesome- I was encouraged- but even then I still felt exhausted.

This Third Wednesday:

I was on time

I sat inside

In the center

With my Bible

Smiling

Wanting to be apart of every song

I felt victorious

I felt refreshed

I felt cleansed despite being a sinner

"By His stripes we are healed"  This is what the Lord gave me. I have so, so much more to learn and to grow. But I am cleaned and I am His daughter, ready to continue pressing on and serving our King.

Grey's Anatomy: A Heartless Scribe

So, you may have noticed (or maybe not) but I have been completely MIA as of late. This is because my life has been consumed with trying to pass medical training to be able to start working in the ER.

Tonight will be my first full night of sleep in about a week and a half and I'm STOKED.

But here is the thing- I've only done one shift in the ER and it was like being in a very real episode of Grey's Anatomy. Which was awesome. But sucky at the same time.

A 15yr old male attempted to OD on pills and then we had two patients rushed in per ambulance who went straight to critical care. The first was a 63 yr old male who was having a stroke, we had to immediately administer meds to sustain his heart rate, and as those attempts failed we intubated him and put in a central line. He was bleeding from both ends and the physician had me stand right next to him in the midst of all the craziness so I wouldn't miss a single detail. As we worked to stabilize him a STEMI (S-T Elevated Myocardial Infarction) was rushed in and we were able to get her heart rate back up enough to send her upstairs for heart surgery.

All of this whirlwind happened within minutes.

 I rushed back to my desk to work with my trainer to input every single detail into the charts. I barely acknowledged our stroke patient's son walk into the ER with a signed 'Do Not Resuscitate' sheet. The doctor looked at me and told me the man would not live more than a few hours at most. I felt bad, but not really. I was mostly stressed because I was trying to keep up with everything going on and all the information I was legally responsible for. And I didn't really know how to feel.

A patient wouldn't make it and I don't know how I feel about that. Is it okay to be numb? Or is it not humane?  I felt like a robot. A non-empathetic, poor excuse for a human... but more importantly.... a poor excuse for a Christian. I don't understand why I didn't feel anything. To me- all I saw was medical procedures and things I had been studying. I thought it was cool being able to see it all in real life.  Does that mean I have no heart? Am I just the heartless scribe in the ER? That's not who I want to be.

Unwelcome Morning Surprises

Since the breakup and my decision to surrender my life completely to the Lord, my ex and I haven't exchanged a single word. 

Facebook is blocked. 

Text and calls are blocked. 

Trust me, it needed to happen. 

Two days ago I woke up to my roommate informing me that my ex was right outside my front door. 

To say I was shocked would have been an understatement.

 I shook the whole first ten or fifteen minutes of our four hour conversation. 

I could barely pour my morning coffee. 

We went outside and I asked for a reason for the unwelcome surprise. 

The response, "I came to you to find hope"

Something had happened the night prior and my ex had gotten hurt and into trouble. The purpose of the visit was for comfort and peace 

That's not my role anymore. 

I was torn up. Upset at what had happened to my ex, upset that I wasn't there to stop what happened, upset that the presence of the person I had cut out of my life was stirring up every bit of confusion and turmoil within me. 

But here is the thing,

 at first I considered the interaction somewhat of a success. 

I didn't go back with my ex to long beach (as I always did before...no matter what). I avoided the kiss at the end and attempted to re-establish the old boundaries we have been living by. Yeah- I didn't throw my whole life away like I used to do for months when I was trying to get out of our unhealthy relationship- but I didn't win. 

My ex came to me to find hope. I don't have the ability to give hope or peace- but I sure know where to direct someone. I have the map to the treasure. I have the good news. It was then I should have spoke up and delivered the gospel just like Megan did in service. But instead, I sat on the curb and cried while I listened to a broken person who I love. 

The whole time my mind was consumed with thoughts about 

how I was feeling, 

how should I cover my shaking hands,

 how do I pass this test?  

Notice how many "I " statements there are??
How many were about the Lord?

A win would have been sharing the good news and a victory would have been another soul saved

Next time... I want to be ready. Until then, I need to train and prepare. 

First step- being thankful, everyday for God's grace and love, for the people in my life, for my Circles people (both leaders and slices) and the list is forever long. I'm going to keep diving into the Word. 

Running into Poles

So... life has it's ups and downs. Good days and bad days.

Today is a good day. The other days weren't as awesome this week.

Here was my realization. [And this is how I think... so it probably won't make any sense? You ready?! Awesome!]

To live in My Presence consistently, you must expose and expel your rebellious tendencies. When something interferes with your plans or desires, you tend to resent the interference. Try to become aware of each resentment, however petty it may seem. Don’t push those unpleasant feelings down; instead, let them come to the surface where you can deal with them. Ask My Spirit to increase 

Being a christian is difficult because of the whole faith thing. There is the Bible, but everyday decisions can be difficult.

I've lived most of my life in sin and basically the equivalent of ramming myself head first into a pole. I'm super good at it! I am competent at living worldly.

I'm no so competent with walking with Christ. That's scary.

I found myself getting frustrated that I was in pain and that dying to the flesh wasn't this easy glamorous transition.

If following Christ was the right thing then why did it sting so much?

Shouldn't I be over everything already?

Hm. Let me see... I spent years slamming myself into the 'pole' and now that it's removed I find myself actually moving forward in life. But it hurts- not because God removed the pole (as I sometimes like to attribute the pain to) but because I battered myself up and need to recover.

There is also an element of fear. I'm used to running until...BAM! I'm on my back- oh well! At least I can get up again and do it again. It's like a safety net in a way. Does that make sense?  (Probably not the healthiest way to approach life- but it worked for me)

But now I'm not greeted with that familiar slam.. now I actually have to walk with the Lord in faith and oftentimes uncertainty.

I'm out of my element.

Cool! Day 62 and I'm just starting to take little baby wobbly steps forward.

The pole can't be my 'safety' net-  this time it needs to be God.

The Ungodly Hour

This has been a week of VICTORIES!!! Praise the LORD! 

Two, very tempting opportunities came into my life and God gave me the strength to say no. And these weren't little cute baby temptations either. I'm stoked! The only reason was the Lord. I was just in the Word and reading my past years of journaling/devotion writing/prayers and I realized that every time I tried to stand I couldn't because I was so ensnared by sin. This time, I want both of my feet in heaven's camp. No more of this "one foot in the world- one in the word" nonsense.

Big medical update: I can drink coffee again! Can I get an amen for that one?!  jk... but really :)

Today I realized that I look towards Sundays (circles groups and services) as my 'Mountain Top Experience."  Midterms were last week and I let my quiet times with God slip.

SO! I was thinking.. God just gave me coffee... why not give it back to HIM.

Starting tomorrow, I will be waking up at the ungodly hour of 5:00am with cup of coffee in hand, spend time with my Father. I cannot walk without constantly being in His word and I am so excited to have a designated time with Him.


5am. Bring it on.


Also... The NY Giants took down the 49ers this week. nbd

Bipolar?

Sometimes I feel like I am 100% bipolar with the Lord

Today is one of those days

It upsets me that I can't have my old life and be with the person I "want" 

One day I will look back and realize how trivial and pointless these desires are...

How I was saved from a life of misery.

But right now...

Right now I want that old life back...

But it's not worth it.

Most of me knows that.

Power to Chose

It's crazy how, when you make a public stand for Christ, all of those trials that poke and prod at your weaknesses suddenly surface. The day after I posted my first blog post was when my first real wave of temptations presented itself.

Every day since I recommitted my life to the Lord has been a challenge- but yesterday was a new level of frustration. What I wanted most (an opportunity to see my ex) was offered before me. This sounds like something so simple- but for me, I don't know... It took half a day (and I'm not exaggerating) of fighting with the Lord. I cried and rationalized every solution- I told Him I was in love, I told Him "nothing would happen" and the list goes on. I even told Him by going back I would "prove I was over everything."

 I don't know why the topic of my ex cuts right to my innermost core but it does. Almost on the dot, every hour I received random texts of encouragement from my friends and family. The texts were a mix of warnings of how Satan capitalizes on our weaknesses and reminders of how far I have already come along from being the old Alicia. Each text would recenter me on Christ and by the time I had rationalized out a new solution another one would roll in. I realized how going back to my old life would have such profound consequences. It would hurt me, my ex, all the people I love, AND my walk with the Lord. It seems like such an easy decision- but for me- it felt like part of me was dying. I think a part of me did die that day. I think all the tears was a result of grieving- a realization that our relationship really was over.

When I finally committed to give up my plan on heading to Long Beach that night after class I had that peace again. I was practically exploding with joy because I knew I had passed some sort of a test. However, my elation was short lived as when I glanced down at my phone I saw that my best friend (who I no longer speak to as a decision to completely transform my life) had sent me a message. This was the first time she had tried to contact me.

 Now, when I broke off the relationship which was probably the most difficult thing I have ever done to date, I explained everything to her. It was done tearfully with love and she understood. She told me she loved me enough to let me go off on my journey and she would be waiting for me when I was stronger in who I was in Christ. But seeing her picture on my phone just broke me. Without hesitation I wrote her "I love you and miss you too."  That moment I knew I was beat. I was so focused and emotionally drained from the first half of my day I was completely caught off guard with the message.

Now, for the record- I would not encourage many people to cut off relationships like I did. Usually it's not a solution, but for me- the Lord called me to be radical. It's a "if your hand causes you to stumble cut your arm off" kind of concept. It's incredibly painful- but when you sever something it needs to be severed. Sending that text wasn't severing- if anything it makes it worse.

I apologized to my Father, was forgiven, and moved on. It was definitely an exhausting and frustrating day. But if Satan were to have victory in any way I am thankful it was something as small as a text instead of me completely giving in and going back to Long Beach and to everything I am dying to. Afterwards, I felt like I had been caught up in an emotional hurricane, but I also realized that those temptations had forced me to spend almost an entire day in prayer and in the Word. How awesome is that?!

 I don't know why two things as small as an invite and a text had the power to evoke tears and stir up such turmoil- but I'm glad that this time, for the first time, God gave me the strength to chose what I knew was right and holy over what I desired more than anything else in the world.