So, you may have noticed (or maybe not) but I have been completely MIA as of late. This is because my life has been consumed with trying to pass medical training to be able to start working in the ER.
Tonight will be my first full night of sleep in about a week and a half and I'm STOKED.
But here is the thing- I've only done one shift in the ER and it was like being in a very real episode of Grey's Anatomy. Which was awesome. But sucky at the same time.
A 15yr old male attempted to OD on pills and then we had two patients rushed in per ambulance who went straight to critical care. The first was a 63 yr old male who was having a stroke, we had to immediately administer meds to sustain his heart rate, and as those attempts failed we intubated him and put in a central line. He was bleeding from both ends and the physician had me stand right next to him in the midst of all the craziness so I wouldn't miss a single detail. As we worked to stabilize him a STEMI (S-T Elevated Myocardial Infarction) was rushed in and we were able to get her heart rate back up enough to send her upstairs for heart surgery.
All of this whirlwind happened within minutes.
I rushed back to my desk to work with my trainer to input every single detail into the charts. I barely acknowledged our stroke patient's son walk into the ER with a signed 'Do Not Resuscitate' sheet. The doctor looked at me and told me the man would not live more than a few hours at most. I felt bad, but not really. I was mostly stressed because I was trying to keep up with everything going on and all the information I was legally responsible for. And I didn't really know how to feel.
A patient wouldn't make it and I don't know how I feel about that. Is it okay to be numb? Or is it not humane? I felt like a robot. A non-empathetic, poor excuse for a human... but more importantly.... a poor excuse for a Christian. I don't understand why I didn't feel anything. To me- all I saw was medical procedures and things I had been studying. I thought it was cool being able to see it all in real life. Does that mean I have no heart? Am I just the heartless scribe in the ER? That's not who I want to be.
I think you're being a little too hard on yourself, love. Particularly because of all the studying for exams, it makes perfect sense that you see this in a detached way, that this is your job, the real-life incarnate of a textbook diagram. I want to commend you though for the questioning itself, it is always good to check your heart to see how that falls with Jesus. You most certainly have a heart, but this work in the ER will always test your crisis skills against the heart that invests in others. In helping these people, working your hardest to save them, you're a fantastic "excuse for a Christian." Always check your heart in this way, but give yourself the grace that you would so readily give to everyone else.
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