Every day since I recommitted my life to the Lord has been a challenge- but yesterday was a new level of frustration. What I wanted most (an opportunity to see my ex) was offered before me. This sounds like something so simple- but for me, I don't know... It took half a day (and I'm not exaggerating) of fighting with the Lord. I cried and rationalized every solution- I told Him I was in love, I told Him "nothing would happen" and the list goes on. I even told Him by going back I would "prove I was over everything."
I don't know why the topic of my ex cuts right to my innermost core but it does. Almost on the dot, every hour I received random texts of encouragement from my friends and family. The texts were a mix of warnings of how Satan capitalizes on our weaknesses and reminders of how far I have already come along from being the old Alicia. Each text would recenter me on Christ and by the time I had rationalized out a new solution another one would roll in. I realized how going back to my old life would have such profound consequences. It would hurt me, my ex, all the people I love, AND my walk with the Lord. It seems like such an easy decision- but for me- it felt like part of me was dying. I think a part of me did die that day. I think all the tears was a result of grieving- a realization that our relationship really was over.
When I finally committed to give up my plan on heading to Long Beach that night after class I had that peace again. I was practically exploding with joy because I knew I had passed some sort of a test. However, my elation was short lived as when I glanced down at my phone I saw that my best friend (who I no longer speak to as a decision to completely transform my life) had sent me a message. This was the first time she had tried to contact me.
Now, when I broke off the relationship which was probably the most difficult thing I have ever done to date, I explained everything to her. It was done tearfully with love and she understood. She told me she loved me enough to let me go off on my journey and she would be waiting for me when I was stronger in who I was in Christ. But seeing her picture on my phone just broke me. Without hesitation I wrote her "I love you and miss you too." That moment I knew I was beat. I was so focused and emotionally drained from the first half of my day I was completely caught off guard with the message.
Now, for the record- I would not encourage many people to cut off relationships like I did. Usually it's not a solution, but for me- the Lord called me to be radical. It's a "if your hand causes you to stumble cut your arm off" kind of concept. It's incredibly painful- but when you sever something it needs to be severed. Sending that text wasn't severing- if anything it makes it worse.
I apologized to my Father, was forgiven, and moved on. It was definitely an exhausting and frustrating day. But if Satan were to have victory in any way I am thankful it was something as small as a text instead of me completely giving in and going back to Long Beach and to everything I am dying to. Afterwards, I felt like I had been caught up in an emotional hurricane, but I also realized that those temptations had forced me to spend almost an entire day in prayer and in the Word. How awesome is that?!
I don't know why two things as small as an invite and a text had the power to evoke tears and stir up such turmoil- but I'm glad that this time, for the first time, God gave me the strength to chose what I knew was right and holy over what I desired more than anything else in the world.
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