Freedom

"You may have periods of darkness or of doubt. You make encounter painful struggles and discouragement. But there will also be moments of exultation and glory. And most important of all, you will become free."  -John White

Since the age of twelve I have considered myself a follower of Christ. Jesus was always an aspect of my identity, that is until my second year of college. To me, God was distant and he worked too slowly and quietly. The lure of the world slowly and persistently made itself present in my life. The joys of the world were a welcome solution to my emotional void and relief from the chronic pain I live with. Alcohol and muscle relaxers were a much easier solution than prayer and discipline. At the close of my third year of college I had created an entirely new identity- one of perceived freedom. To me, the more I quieted the voice of the nagging holy spirit- the more I could finally enjoy my life. April 13, 2012, exposed me to a whole new lifestyle- a whole new territory that I could explore. This night was when my rebellion became complete. I looked at God, his design and with my actions I boldly declared that his design wasn't what I wanted. I found someone that I could fall in love with, so what if our relationship did not mirror his original plan. Love is love and finally I was happy. And oh, I was happy- I had the perfect life. I made fantastic pay, I was in love, I had amazing friends, my grades were perfect, my social life was in its prime, and I drove the most amazing car- the only issue was that I was at enmity with my parents and the Lord. 

I never understood the concept of a soul, not until recently. As time progressed, my relationship with sin grew much deeper but for some reason I could not shut out the pain I was causing my heavenly father. I distinctly remember the feeling of my soul ripping. It was after one of the most magical date nights, I woke up the next morning with this profound feeling of emptiness and sorrow. I wept like never before and on my drive home I yelled at God.

Why couldn't I shut Him out? 

Why couldn't I just live how I wanted?

I wanted Him to back off and leave me alone.

 Only, that's not what happened. My parents were making evident their disapproval and were coming to the realization that their daughter either needed to be let go completely or fought for. Fortunately for me, they chose the latter. 

My dad drove up to visit me - even through all I had put them through he still made a point to tell me how much he loved me. He didn't support anything I was doing, but he would forever love me.

Fed up with my empty lifestyle I asked my dad point blank, "What do I need to do to turn my life around? Tell me what to do and I'll do it." 

To make a very long story short, my parents presented me with a list of impossibilities- things I could never go through with. If I hadn't been reading the Word that very moment when the email came through it is very likely I would have turned my back on everything it entailed. August 22, 2012, my whole life changed.

I quit my job (because of the toxicity of the environment) and found a new one, 

I severed some of my closest relationships (including my romantic one), 

and made a commitment to stop drinking and smoking. 

The next day I was diagnosed with an autoimmune disease and all the comfort I once had in food was removed from my life. No sugar, caffeine, soy, dairy, wheat, or gluten. My list of foods I can eat consists of thirteen items. The chronic pain hindered me from working out- So I found myself with no friends, no food, no hobbies, a lower paying job and a loss of direction.

Who was I? 

All of who I had created myself to be was completely obliterated in two days. I wept for the loss of my old life, but for some weird reason I had peace. I mean, don't get me wrong, I was completely in shock- but I also had this odd sense of comfort. I knew I had made all the right decisions, as painful as they were.

For the first time, I felt free.

This is where my story begins, I have lived a new life for only 32 days now and with a new found fellowship group, church, my family's support, and most importantly Christ as the center (not simply an aspect) of my life- I eagerly look forward to what God has in store for me. He is barely starting the "rebuild" season of my life, because he is still clearing out the old me- but I am excited (and a little afraid) of the work to come.

Ephesians 4:17-22