Hey slices,
So, I just read Erin's blog and it reminded me of our conversation on Sunday and how friendship is defined as "sacrifice" and something really stirred up with me and I apologize if I come off strong - I'm Italian so I get loud and use alot of hand gestures.. it's a thing.
I have an awesome new roommate and I just finished sharing with her parts of my story, so my emotions are slightly raw this second, so maybe I shouldn't be blogging.... but here is the deal.
I don't get why friendships are supposed to be sacrifice. Erin said that she thought friendship should be defined as laughing together, calling each other out, giving grace - the usual idea. I agreed.
When I was 16 years old I entered into a "friendship" with my neighbor, who was much older than I (38 at the time). And I was taught "sacrifice," "love your neighbor as yourself," "self-sacrificial love," "love like Christ." I was told that I was loving Jesus by giving up my life for my neighbor. I wasn't allowed to have friends at school because my neighbor wouldn't let me, and to make a very, very long story short, it ended up being a legal situation and I had to be removed because of the abusive nature of our relationship.
Cool, whatever, people get abused when they are little- its no big deal. But a few years later, when I decided that Christians weren't on this planet to manipulate me to do things in the name of "Christ's sacrificial love" I befriended two Christian girls at my high school. Everything was great, we three became the seniors who were the examples to the youngin's on what a Christian high schooler should look like. Well, a group of three girl best friends doesn't really work out when two of them were best friends for ten years and I was the new girl infringing on their turf. One girl got jealous and decided the best way would be to spread false rumors about me that I was an alcoholic and a drug dealer. Didn't matter that I had never touched alcohol or weed, my reputation tanked and my whole school (except the partiers of course) alienated me because I was a "hypocrite" and a liar. I was outcasted and then, lived up to my new identity because the non-christians were the only ones who would take me in.
I spent the next two years still loving the girl who turned on me, fighting for the friendship, and trying to be loyal despite everything. After all, we were best friends, and I was supposed to love like Christ. And Judas betrayed Christ and He still loved him.
College, similar experiences. Friendships that didn't end up being healthy that I pledged loyalty to and stuck through no matter what. I was the queen of sacrificing myself for others. I lost who I was.
I don't sacrifice anymore. It doesn't work out. When you sacrifice, people abuse you and they have no problems wringing you out until there is nothing left.
I know my friendships in the past didn't model "health"- but ever since I stopped sacrificing for people- my friendships have been so much better, I have been free, I know who I am, and when people are unhealthy in my life I don't stick around. I don't let myself sacrifice for others unless they are in my inner circle.
Is that bad? Why would I sacrifice if people are going to abuse that love?
Friendship as sacrifice doesn't mean your "friends" have the right to crucify you.
ReplyDeleteTimothy Keller has an excellent description of what constitutes friendship, both for Christians and non-Christians.
"There are two features of real friendship- constancy and transparency. Real friends always let you in and they never let you down... a third quality to friendship is... sym-pathos, common passion." "When we meet another person who shares [common passions] with us, there is the potential for a real friendship, if nurtured with transparency and constancy."
Christian Friendship adds another layer to this, and this is largely where the Christian definition of friendship divulges largely from a secular definition, and where the idea, but not literal use, of "sacrifice" comes in.
Christian friends develop through "spiritual transparency:" confessing to, lovingly pointing out the other's wrongs, stirring one another up, and reconciling when they disappoint each other. (Rom 15:14, Galatians 6:1, Heb 10:24, 3:13, Eph 4:32, Matt 5:23, 18:15)
They also develop through "spiritual constancy:" Christian friends bear EACH OTHER'S burdens (Gal 6:2), they should be there for EACH OTHER through thick and thin (1 Thes 5:11, 14-15) sharing their goods and their very lives with EACH OTHER if there is need (Heb 13:16; Phil 4:14 2 Cor 9:13). Friends must encourage EACH OTHER through honor and affirmation (Rom 12:3-6, 10; Pro 27:2). They are to identify and call out one another's gifts, strengths, and abilities. They are to BUILD UP EACH OTHER'S faith through study and common worship (Col 3:16; Eph 5:19).
"The picture that the Bible draws of spiritual friendship is remarkable. Christian friendship is not simply about going to concerts together or enjoying the same sporting event. It is the deep oneness that develops as two people journey together toward the same destination, helping ONE ANOTHER through the dangers and challenges along the way."
When people abuse you, abuse your love, or take advantage of you and your sacrifices, they're not your friend. They're your enemy. And we are called to love them too. But don't yoke yourself together with them (1 Cor 6:14).
Not to trivialize or demean your past by generalizing, but your attachment to the harmful relationships described in this post is a very typical self-destructive tendency of the Type 2 personality. (I have many self-destructive tendencies stemming from my own personality as well.) Realizing this and moving towards the types of friendships described by Tim Keller is a huge step of maturity, both personally and in your faith. Based on your last 3 paragraphs, it looks like you're doing that.
You're a beautiful and amazing girl, Alicia, don't ever forget that, and remember: "Being CONFIDENT of this, that He who began a good work in you will carry it on to COMPLETION, until the day of Christ Jesus." (Phil 1:6)
Your brother in Christ,
Rory
I like Rory. I want to be friends with Rory!
ReplyDeleteAlicia, I love you. duh.