Now What?

I'm laying on the cold hard ground, rock bottom I think its called. As my consciousness runs away from me I know I am in trouble, that I am dying, that I need help. As my tired eyes close and my abused heart beats one last time, I catch a glimpse of my father rushing to my aid.

My dad is a doctor- some say the designer and creator of life. He had never been that to me. But when I awake, I hurt. In my dazed state and confusion Abba sat next to me and explained what happened. I had made a stupid choices and despite His warnings had gone to far. He stepped in at the last second, when my heart was giving out and he brought me back- but the internal damage had been substantial and several hours of emergency surgery was necessary to save my life. A lot of me was removed, most of me actually, but it was the only way I could have a new life. He looked me in the eyes and gently explained to me that everything was going to hurt for awhile, but that was apart of the healing process.

He would hold my hand through every single step.

I had to relearn how to think, how to chose my words, how to sit up, how to breathe. He gave me a new community to help with the physical therapy.

Now I can sit up all by myself and the stitches only hurt when I bump them. I'm ready to start walking. But where do I walk to? I feel like my dad is still there, but there are other people for Him to save. Where do I go now? How do I keep learning and growing?

Abba saved my life...but now I have to live it... and I'm not quite sure how to do that.

He wrote me a love letter to help guide me- but for some reason I have a hard time understanding it.

100 Days of Summer

Yesterday, by God's infinite grace and mercy, I hit the 100 day mark of walking with Christ. 

Throughout the day I was actually depressed and down. These 100 days have been some of the hardest of my life. There are constant temptations, struggles, steps backwards- you name it. I probably cried every day for the first month.   

 (At least I don't do that anymore- it really makes wearing makeup difficult!)  

Why is a walk with God still so much of a struggle? 

OK! Way to be negative Alicia! 

A life with God never really gets easier but it does get more meaningful. 

Before CHRIST my life was filled with toxic relationships, a dead end job, addictions, deep seeded depression....basically I was dead. 

Now- I am ALIVE IN CHRIST- I have had 100 days of LIFE! How exciting is that?!  He has blessed me with newfound peace within my family, He gave me a community and love in Circles 3.0 and Rockharbor, He blessed me with a job in the field I am pursuing, He has been freeing me from the bondage of this world.   (Can you tell I'm excited??)

Let me give you a little glimpse into the love and support that has been showered on me 

(I am a blessed daughter of the King!)

Pretext: 

When my brother Matthew and I worked at Yard House our favorite song to sing together was 99 Luftballons 

(When I visited corporate to interview for a better position I even found the lady who did the soundtrack for the restaurants and requested she play it more often... she did... every day for the next month!) 

SO! I was at school thursday and my brother asked me to come home in between classes- when I got home and walked up to my room there was a note that read:

 "Stop there Miss Alicia! You have to knock before you come in!"   

I was confused but knocked as I was instructed to.

 Matt told me I could come in and as I walked in Matt was sitting there playing the song 99 Luftballons and this is what I saw. 

Yup. There were 99 Red Balloons All over my room.  

While I was laughing hysterically Matt videotaped my response and yelled, "Ha! Bet you weren't expecting something on day 99!"

Later that night Maya came home with my favorite ice cream and flowers and one of my best friends came over with a note of encouragement that made me cry, chocolate, and a gift with a ton of symbolism and meaning behind it. 

Day 100 we had a Circles 3.0 party and it was SO much fun! Amber and Matthew surprised me with... well... I'll just show you

Pretty much amazing. 

Then we had an amazing night filled with slices, love, laughter and games. 

They all sang and celebrated 100 days of life with me

And the best part: Ramer and I came to our fellow slices and asked for prayer and help with a struggle we both share. And the group embraced us, laid hands on us, and prayed for us.

The Lord was honored with our gathering and I can not think of a better way to celebrate our Father and thank Him for the gift of salvation. 

I felt so loved, encouraged and supported. 

Thank you to everyone who celebrated with me!!!  

 :) 

3rd Wednesday Comparisons

Sometimes I feel as if I've made so little progress because every day still seems so much like the same struggle.

When I look back at last month's Third Wednesday and compare it to this months- I do see little baby steps of progress. 

Last Third Wednesday:

I was very late

I sat outside 

On the curb

With my cigarette

Crying

Not wanting to even step foot inside and worship

I felt defeated 

I felt beaten

I felt lost despite being found

I cried out to the Lord to send me someone to talk to. And He did. 5 minutes after, some random girl from Fullerton came outside, stopped, and just helped me talk through everything that was going on. It was awesome- I was encouraged- but even then I still felt exhausted.

This Third Wednesday:

I was on time

I sat inside

In the center

With my Bible

Smiling

Wanting to be apart of every song

I felt victorious

I felt refreshed

I felt cleansed despite being a sinner

"By His stripes we are healed"  This is what the Lord gave me. I have so, so much more to learn and to grow. But I am cleaned and I am His daughter, ready to continue pressing on and serving our King.

Grey's Anatomy: A Heartless Scribe

So, you may have noticed (or maybe not) but I have been completely MIA as of late. This is because my life has been consumed with trying to pass medical training to be able to start working in the ER.

Tonight will be my first full night of sleep in about a week and a half and I'm STOKED.

But here is the thing- I've only done one shift in the ER and it was like being in a very real episode of Grey's Anatomy. Which was awesome. But sucky at the same time.

A 15yr old male attempted to OD on pills and then we had two patients rushed in per ambulance who went straight to critical care. The first was a 63 yr old male who was having a stroke, we had to immediately administer meds to sustain his heart rate, and as those attempts failed we intubated him and put in a central line. He was bleeding from both ends and the physician had me stand right next to him in the midst of all the craziness so I wouldn't miss a single detail. As we worked to stabilize him a STEMI (S-T Elevated Myocardial Infarction) was rushed in and we were able to get her heart rate back up enough to send her upstairs for heart surgery.

All of this whirlwind happened within minutes.

 I rushed back to my desk to work with my trainer to input every single detail into the charts. I barely acknowledged our stroke patient's son walk into the ER with a signed 'Do Not Resuscitate' sheet. The doctor looked at me and told me the man would not live more than a few hours at most. I felt bad, but not really. I was mostly stressed because I was trying to keep up with everything going on and all the information I was legally responsible for. And I didn't really know how to feel.

A patient wouldn't make it and I don't know how I feel about that. Is it okay to be numb? Or is it not humane?  I felt like a robot. A non-empathetic, poor excuse for a human... but more importantly.... a poor excuse for a Christian. I don't understand why I didn't feel anything. To me- all I saw was medical procedures and things I had been studying. I thought it was cool being able to see it all in real life.  Does that mean I have no heart? Am I just the heartless scribe in the ER? That's not who I want to be.

Unwelcome Morning Surprises

Since the breakup and my decision to surrender my life completely to the Lord, my ex and I haven't exchanged a single word. 

Facebook is blocked. 

Text and calls are blocked. 

Trust me, it needed to happen. 

Two days ago I woke up to my roommate informing me that my ex was right outside my front door. 

To say I was shocked would have been an understatement.

 I shook the whole first ten or fifteen minutes of our four hour conversation. 

I could barely pour my morning coffee. 

We went outside and I asked for a reason for the unwelcome surprise. 

The response, "I came to you to find hope"

Something had happened the night prior and my ex had gotten hurt and into trouble. The purpose of the visit was for comfort and peace 

That's not my role anymore. 

I was torn up. Upset at what had happened to my ex, upset that I wasn't there to stop what happened, upset that the presence of the person I had cut out of my life was stirring up every bit of confusion and turmoil within me. 

But here is the thing,

 at first I considered the interaction somewhat of a success. 

I didn't go back with my ex to long beach (as I always did before...no matter what). I avoided the kiss at the end and attempted to re-establish the old boundaries we have been living by. Yeah- I didn't throw my whole life away like I used to do for months when I was trying to get out of our unhealthy relationship- but I didn't win. 

My ex came to me to find hope. I don't have the ability to give hope or peace- but I sure know where to direct someone. I have the map to the treasure. I have the good news. It was then I should have spoke up and delivered the gospel just like Megan did in service. But instead, I sat on the curb and cried while I listened to a broken person who I love. 

The whole time my mind was consumed with thoughts about 

how I was feeling, 

how should I cover my shaking hands,

 how do I pass this test?  

Notice how many "I " statements there are??
How many were about the Lord?

A win would have been sharing the good news and a victory would have been another soul saved

Next time... I want to be ready. Until then, I need to train and prepare. 

First step- being thankful, everyday for God's grace and love, for the people in my life, for my Circles people (both leaders and slices) and the list is forever long. I'm going to keep diving into the Word. 

Running into Poles

So... life has it's ups and downs. Good days and bad days.

Today is a good day. The other days weren't as awesome this week.

Here was my realization. [And this is how I think... so it probably won't make any sense? You ready?! Awesome!]

To live in My Presence consistently, you must expose and expel your rebellious tendencies. When something interferes with your plans or desires, you tend to resent the interference. Try to become aware of each resentment, however petty it may seem. Don’t push those unpleasant feelings down; instead, let them come to the surface where you can deal with them. Ask My Spirit to increase 

Being a christian is difficult because of the whole faith thing. There is the Bible, but everyday decisions can be difficult.

I've lived most of my life in sin and basically the equivalent of ramming myself head first into a pole. I'm super good at it! I am competent at living worldly.

I'm no so competent with walking with Christ. That's scary.

I found myself getting frustrated that I was in pain and that dying to the flesh wasn't this easy glamorous transition.

If following Christ was the right thing then why did it sting so much?

Shouldn't I be over everything already?

Hm. Let me see... I spent years slamming myself into the 'pole' and now that it's removed I find myself actually moving forward in life. But it hurts- not because God removed the pole (as I sometimes like to attribute the pain to) but because I battered myself up and need to recover.

There is also an element of fear. I'm used to running until...BAM! I'm on my back- oh well! At least I can get up again and do it again. It's like a safety net in a way. Does that make sense?  (Probably not the healthiest way to approach life- but it worked for me)

But now I'm not greeted with that familiar slam.. now I actually have to walk with the Lord in faith and oftentimes uncertainty.

I'm out of my element.

Cool! Day 62 and I'm just starting to take little baby wobbly steps forward.

The pole can't be my 'safety' net-  this time it needs to be God.

The Ungodly Hour

This has been a week of VICTORIES!!! Praise the LORD! 

Two, very tempting opportunities came into my life and God gave me the strength to say no. And these weren't little cute baby temptations either. I'm stoked! The only reason was the Lord. I was just in the Word and reading my past years of journaling/devotion writing/prayers and I realized that every time I tried to stand I couldn't because I was so ensnared by sin. This time, I want both of my feet in heaven's camp. No more of this "one foot in the world- one in the word" nonsense.

Big medical update: I can drink coffee again! Can I get an amen for that one?!  jk... but really :)

Today I realized that I look towards Sundays (circles groups and services) as my 'Mountain Top Experience."  Midterms were last week and I let my quiet times with God slip.

SO! I was thinking.. God just gave me coffee... why not give it back to HIM.

Starting tomorrow, I will be waking up at the ungodly hour of 5:00am with cup of coffee in hand, spend time with my Father. I cannot walk without constantly being in His word and I am so excited to have a designated time with Him.


5am. Bring it on.


Also... The NY Giants took down the 49ers this week. nbd

Bipolar?

Sometimes I feel like I am 100% bipolar with the Lord

Today is one of those days

It upsets me that I can't have my old life and be with the person I "want" 

One day I will look back and realize how trivial and pointless these desires are...

How I was saved from a life of misery.

But right now...

Right now I want that old life back...

But it's not worth it.

Most of me knows that.

Power to Chose

It's crazy how, when you make a public stand for Christ, all of those trials that poke and prod at your weaknesses suddenly surface. The day after I posted my first blog post was when my first real wave of temptations presented itself.

Every day since I recommitted my life to the Lord has been a challenge- but yesterday was a new level of frustration. What I wanted most (an opportunity to see my ex) was offered before me. This sounds like something so simple- but for me, I don't know... It took half a day (and I'm not exaggerating) of fighting with the Lord. I cried and rationalized every solution- I told Him I was in love, I told Him "nothing would happen" and the list goes on. I even told Him by going back I would "prove I was over everything."

 I don't know why the topic of my ex cuts right to my innermost core but it does. Almost on the dot, every hour I received random texts of encouragement from my friends and family. The texts were a mix of warnings of how Satan capitalizes on our weaknesses and reminders of how far I have already come along from being the old Alicia. Each text would recenter me on Christ and by the time I had rationalized out a new solution another one would roll in. I realized how going back to my old life would have such profound consequences. It would hurt me, my ex, all the people I love, AND my walk with the Lord. It seems like such an easy decision- but for me- it felt like part of me was dying. I think a part of me did die that day. I think all the tears was a result of grieving- a realization that our relationship really was over.

When I finally committed to give up my plan on heading to Long Beach that night after class I had that peace again. I was practically exploding with joy because I knew I had passed some sort of a test. However, my elation was short lived as when I glanced down at my phone I saw that my best friend (who I no longer speak to as a decision to completely transform my life) had sent me a message. This was the first time she had tried to contact me.

 Now, when I broke off the relationship which was probably the most difficult thing I have ever done to date, I explained everything to her. It was done tearfully with love and she understood. She told me she loved me enough to let me go off on my journey and she would be waiting for me when I was stronger in who I was in Christ. But seeing her picture on my phone just broke me. Without hesitation I wrote her "I love you and miss you too."  That moment I knew I was beat. I was so focused and emotionally drained from the first half of my day I was completely caught off guard with the message.

Now, for the record- I would not encourage many people to cut off relationships like I did. Usually it's not a solution, but for me- the Lord called me to be radical. It's a "if your hand causes you to stumble cut your arm off" kind of concept. It's incredibly painful- but when you sever something it needs to be severed. Sending that text wasn't severing- if anything it makes it worse.

I apologized to my Father, was forgiven, and moved on. It was definitely an exhausting and frustrating day. But if Satan were to have victory in any way I am thankful it was something as small as a text instead of me completely giving in and going back to Long Beach and to everything I am dying to. Afterwards, I felt like I had been caught up in an emotional hurricane, but I also realized that those temptations had forced me to spend almost an entire day in prayer and in the Word. How awesome is that?!

 I don't know why two things as small as an invite and a text had the power to evoke tears and stir up such turmoil- but I'm glad that this time, for the first time, God gave me the strength to chose what I knew was right and holy over what I desired more than anything else in the world.

Freedom

"You may have periods of darkness or of doubt. You make encounter painful struggles and discouragement. But there will also be moments of exultation and glory. And most important of all, you will become free."  -John White

Since the age of twelve I have considered myself a follower of Christ. Jesus was always an aspect of my identity, that is until my second year of college. To me, God was distant and he worked too slowly and quietly. The lure of the world slowly and persistently made itself present in my life. The joys of the world were a welcome solution to my emotional void and relief from the chronic pain I live with. Alcohol and muscle relaxers were a much easier solution than prayer and discipline. At the close of my third year of college I had created an entirely new identity- one of perceived freedom. To me, the more I quieted the voice of the nagging holy spirit- the more I could finally enjoy my life. April 13, 2012, exposed me to a whole new lifestyle- a whole new territory that I could explore. This night was when my rebellion became complete. I looked at God, his design and with my actions I boldly declared that his design wasn't what I wanted. I found someone that I could fall in love with, so what if our relationship did not mirror his original plan. Love is love and finally I was happy. And oh, I was happy- I had the perfect life. I made fantastic pay, I was in love, I had amazing friends, my grades were perfect, my social life was in its prime, and I drove the most amazing car- the only issue was that I was at enmity with my parents and the Lord. 

I never understood the concept of a soul, not until recently. As time progressed, my relationship with sin grew much deeper but for some reason I could not shut out the pain I was causing my heavenly father. I distinctly remember the feeling of my soul ripping. It was after one of the most magical date nights, I woke up the next morning with this profound feeling of emptiness and sorrow. I wept like never before and on my drive home I yelled at God.

Why couldn't I shut Him out? 

Why couldn't I just live how I wanted?

I wanted Him to back off and leave me alone.

 Only, that's not what happened. My parents were making evident their disapproval and were coming to the realization that their daughter either needed to be let go completely or fought for. Fortunately for me, they chose the latter. 

My dad drove up to visit me - even through all I had put them through he still made a point to tell me how much he loved me. He didn't support anything I was doing, but he would forever love me.

Fed up with my empty lifestyle I asked my dad point blank, "What do I need to do to turn my life around? Tell me what to do and I'll do it." 

To make a very long story short, my parents presented me with a list of impossibilities- things I could never go through with. If I hadn't been reading the Word that very moment when the email came through it is very likely I would have turned my back on everything it entailed. August 22, 2012, my whole life changed.

I quit my job (because of the toxicity of the environment) and found a new one, 

I severed some of my closest relationships (including my romantic one), 

and made a commitment to stop drinking and smoking. 

The next day I was diagnosed with an autoimmune disease and all the comfort I once had in food was removed from my life. No sugar, caffeine, soy, dairy, wheat, or gluten. My list of foods I can eat consists of thirteen items. The chronic pain hindered me from working out- So I found myself with no friends, no food, no hobbies, a lower paying job and a loss of direction.

Who was I? 

All of who I had created myself to be was completely obliterated in two days. I wept for the loss of my old life, but for some weird reason I had peace. I mean, don't get me wrong, I was completely in shock- but I also had this odd sense of comfort. I knew I had made all the right decisions, as painful as they were.

For the first time, I felt free.

This is where my story begins, I have lived a new life for only 32 days now and with a new found fellowship group, church, my family's support, and most importantly Christ as the center (not simply an aspect) of my life- I eagerly look forward to what God has in store for me. He is barely starting the "rebuild" season of my life, because he is still clearing out the old me- but I am excited (and a little afraid) of the work to come.

Ephesians 4:17-22