Power to Chose

It's crazy how, when you make a public stand for Christ, all of those trials that poke and prod at your weaknesses suddenly surface. The day after I posted my first blog post was when my first real wave of temptations presented itself.

Every day since I recommitted my life to the Lord has been a challenge- but yesterday was a new level of frustration. What I wanted most (an opportunity to see my ex) was offered before me. This sounds like something so simple- but for me, I don't know... It took half a day (and I'm not exaggerating) of fighting with the Lord. I cried and rationalized every solution- I told Him I was in love, I told Him "nothing would happen" and the list goes on. I even told Him by going back I would "prove I was over everything."

 I don't know why the topic of my ex cuts right to my innermost core but it does. Almost on the dot, every hour I received random texts of encouragement from my friends and family. The texts were a mix of warnings of how Satan capitalizes on our weaknesses and reminders of how far I have already come along from being the old Alicia. Each text would recenter me on Christ and by the time I had rationalized out a new solution another one would roll in. I realized how going back to my old life would have such profound consequences. It would hurt me, my ex, all the people I love, AND my walk with the Lord. It seems like such an easy decision- but for me- it felt like part of me was dying. I think a part of me did die that day. I think all the tears was a result of grieving- a realization that our relationship really was over.

When I finally committed to give up my plan on heading to Long Beach that night after class I had that peace again. I was practically exploding with joy because I knew I had passed some sort of a test. However, my elation was short lived as when I glanced down at my phone I saw that my best friend (who I no longer speak to as a decision to completely transform my life) had sent me a message. This was the first time she had tried to contact me.

 Now, when I broke off the relationship which was probably the most difficult thing I have ever done to date, I explained everything to her. It was done tearfully with love and she understood. She told me she loved me enough to let me go off on my journey and she would be waiting for me when I was stronger in who I was in Christ. But seeing her picture on my phone just broke me. Without hesitation I wrote her "I love you and miss you too."  That moment I knew I was beat. I was so focused and emotionally drained from the first half of my day I was completely caught off guard with the message.

Now, for the record- I would not encourage many people to cut off relationships like I did. Usually it's not a solution, but for me- the Lord called me to be radical. It's a "if your hand causes you to stumble cut your arm off" kind of concept. It's incredibly painful- but when you sever something it needs to be severed. Sending that text wasn't severing- if anything it makes it worse.

I apologized to my Father, was forgiven, and moved on. It was definitely an exhausting and frustrating day. But if Satan were to have victory in any way I am thankful it was something as small as a text instead of me completely giving in and going back to Long Beach and to everything I am dying to. Afterwards, I felt like I had been caught up in an emotional hurricane, but I also realized that those temptations had forced me to spend almost an entire day in prayer and in the Word. How awesome is that?!

 I don't know why two things as small as an invite and a text had the power to evoke tears and stir up such turmoil- but I'm glad that this time, for the first time, God gave me the strength to chose what I knew was right and holy over what I desired more than anything else in the world.

Freedom

"You may have periods of darkness or of doubt. You make encounter painful struggles and discouragement. But there will also be moments of exultation and glory. And most important of all, you will become free."  -John White

Since the age of twelve I have considered myself a follower of Christ. Jesus was always an aspect of my identity, that is until my second year of college. To me, God was distant and he worked too slowly and quietly. The lure of the world slowly and persistently made itself present in my life. The joys of the world were a welcome solution to my emotional void and relief from the chronic pain I live with. Alcohol and muscle relaxers were a much easier solution than prayer and discipline. At the close of my third year of college I had created an entirely new identity- one of perceived freedom. To me, the more I quieted the voice of the nagging holy spirit- the more I could finally enjoy my life. April 13, 2012, exposed me to a whole new lifestyle- a whole new territory that I could explore. This night was when my rebellion became complete. I looked at God, his design and with my actions I boldly declared that his design wasn't what I wanted. I found someone that I could fall in love with, so what if our relationship did not mirror his original plan. Love is love and finally I was happy. And oh, I was happy- I had the perfect life. I made fantastic pay, I was in love, I had amazing friends, my grades were perfect, my social life was in its prime, and I drove the most amazing car- the only issue was that I was at enmity with my parents and the Lord. 

I never understood the concept of a soul, not until recently. As time progressed, my relationship with sin grew much deeper but for some reason I could not shut out the pain I was causing my heavenly father. I distinctly remember the feeling of my soul ripping. It was after one of the most magical date nights, I woke up the next morning with this profound feeling of emptiness and sorrow. I wept like never before and on my drive home I yelled at God.

Why couldn't I shut Him out? 

Why couldn't I just live how I wanted?

I wanted Him to back off and leave me alone.

 Only, that's not what happened. My parents were making evident their disapproval and were coming to the realization that their daughter either needed to be let go completely or fought for. Fortunately for me, they chose the latter. 

My dad drove up to visit me - even through all I had put them through he still made a point to tell me how much he loved me. He didn't support anything I was doing, but he would forever love me.

Fed up with my empty lifestyle I asked my dad point blank, "What do I need to do to turn my life around? Tell me what to do and I'll do it." 

To make a very long story short, my parents presented me with a list of impossibilities- things I could never go through with. If I hadn't been reading the Word that very moment when the email came through it is very likely I would have turned my back on everything it entailed. August 22, 2012, my whole life changed.

I quit my job (because of the toxicity of the environment) and found a new one, 

I severed some of my closest relationships (including my romantic one), 

and made a commitment to stop drinking and smoking. 

The next day I was diagnosed with an autoimmune disease and all the comfort I once had in food was removed from my life. No sugar, caffeine, soy, dairy, wheat, or gluten. My list of foods I can eat consists of thirteen items. The chronic pain hindered me from working out- So I found myself with no friends, no food, no hobbies, a lower paying job and a loss of direction.

Who was I? 

All of who I had created myself to be was completely obliterated in two days. I wept for the loss of my old life, but for some weird reason I had peace. I mean, don't get me wrong, I was completely in shock- but I also had this odd sense of comfort. I knew I had made all the right decisions, as painful as they were.

For the first time, I felt free.

This is where my story begins, I have lived a new life for only 32 days now and with a new found fellowship group, church, my family's support, and most importantly Christ as the center (not simply an aspect) of my life- I eagerly look forward to what God has in store for me. He is barely starting the "rebuild" season of my life, because he is still clearing out the old me- but I am excited (and a little afraid) of the work to come.

Ephesians 4:17-22