Backpedalling

I feel like I'm going backwards - not being able to hear from God. 

I feel lonely and abandoned by Him

Have you been in the word?  

      

     No

Well there you go. 

Amber told me she could tell my heart hurt. 

That I was slipping

It's really all up to you, whether you really want to slip or not. 

No one else can make that choice except you

That's true

When Sacrifice is Abused

Hey slices,

So, I just read Erin's blog and it reminded me of our conversation on Sunday and how friendship is defined as "sacrifice" and something really stirred up with me and I apologize if I come off strong - I'm Italian so I get loud and use alot of hand gestures.. it's a thing.

I have an awesome new roommate and I just finished sharing with her parts of my story, so my emotions are slightly raw this second, so maybe I shouldn't be blogging.... but here is the deal.
I don't get why friendships are supposed to be sacrifice. Erin said that she thought friendship should be defined as laughing together, calling each other out, giving grace - the usual idea. I agreed.

When I was 16 years old I entered into a "friendship" with my neighbor, who was much older than I (38 at the time).  And I was taught "sacrifice," "love your neighbor as yourself," "self-sacrificial love," "love like Christ." I was told that I was loving Jesus by giving up my life for my neighbor. I wasn't allowed to have friends at school because my neighbor wouldn't let me, and to make a very, very long story short, it ended up being a legal situation and I had to be removed because of the abusive nature of our relationship.

Cool, whatever, people get abused when they are little- its no big deal. But a few years later, when I decided that Christians weren't on this planet to manipulate me to do things in the name of "Christ's sacrificial love" I befriended two Christian girls at my high school. Everything was great, we three became the seniors who were the examples to the youngin's on what a Christian high schooler should look like. Well, a group of three girl best friends doesn't really work out when two of them were best friends for ten years and I was the new girl infringing on their turf. One girl got jealous and decided the best way would be to spread false rumors about me that I was an alcoholic and a drug dealer. Didn't matter that I had never touched alcohol or weed, my reputation tanked and my whole school (except the partiers of course) alienated me because I was a "hypocrite" and a liar. I was outcasted and then, lived up to my new identity because the non-christians were the only ones who would take me in.

I spent the next two years still loving the girl who turned on me, fighting for the friendship, and trying to be loyal despite everything. After all, we were best friends, and I was supposed to love like Christ. And Judas betrayed Christ and He still loved him.

College, similar experiences. Friendships that didn't end up being healthy that I pledged loyalty to and stuck through no matter what. I was the queen of sacrificing myself for others. I lost who I was.

 I don't sacrifice anymore. It doesn't work out. When you sacrifice, people abuse you and they have no problems wringing you out until there is nothing left.

I know my friendships in the past didn't model "health"- but ever since I stopped sacrificing for people- my friendships have been so much better, I have been free, I know who I am, and when people are unhealthy in my life I don't stick around. I don't let myself sacrifice for others unless they are in my inner circle.

Is that bad? Why would I sacrifice if people are going to abuse that love?

Defanged Lion

What constitutes a spiritual trial?  

Could a period of spiritual dryness be, in fact, a trial? 

Or is it merely an indication of undiscovered sin festering in my heart. 

I've been struggling with feelings of inadequacy in being a believer. 

I don't seem... "clean" enough to be one.

 And I don't spend hours in the Bible daily like the rest of my family. 

I don't feel the same convictions as deep. 

Every time I meet someone new I feel twisted and conflicted inside. 

I say I am a Christian- that's supposed to mean something. 

That I've been saved and that I live a life that mimics Christ.

But I don't want to put on a facade. 

How do I say,

 "Hi my name's Alicia, I've done everything wrong in my life, but Christ saved me and I'm a Christian- but even though I'm on the right side now, I still suck at life and often make stupid decisions... sooo just because I'm a Christian does not mean that I'm wearing white and a really cool halo." 

Does any one else feel like they weren't necessarily designed to be a Christian? Stupid idea, I know. But, ever since I re-commited my life to the Lord I feel like a defanged lion. I feel like part of me is gone and I'm bored and restless and unsettled and I'm looking for something new. 

I believe this is what they call "Double Minded"  -  how do you get less Double Minded? 

Do I just not have enough faith, or do I not want a righteous relationship with God enough?

Now What?

I'm laying on the cold hard ground, rock bottom I think its called. As my consciousness runs away from me I know I am in trouble, that I am dying, that I need help. As my tired eyes close and my abused heart beats one last time, I catch a glimpse of my father rushing to my aid.

My dad is a doctor- some say the designer and creator of life. He had never been that to me. But when I awake, I hurt. In my dazed state and confusion Abba sat next to me and explained what happened. I had made a stupid choices and despite His warnings had gone to far. He stepped in at the last second, when my heart was giving out and he brought me back- but the internal damage had been substantial and several hours of emergency surgery was necessary to save my life. A lot of me was removed, most of me actually, but it was the only way I could have a new life. He looked me in the eyes and gently explained to me that everything was going to hurt for awhile, but that was apart of the healing process.

He would hold my hand through every single step.

I had to relearn how to think, how to chose my words, how to sit up, how to breathe. He gave me a new community to help with the physical therapy.

Now I can sit up all by myself and the stitches only hurt when I bump them. I'm ready to start walking. But where do I walk to? I feel like my dad is still there, but there are other people for Him to save. Where do I go now? How do I keep learning and growing?

Abba saved my life...but now I have to live it... and I'm not quite sure how to do that.

He wrote me a love letter to help guide me- but for some reason I have a hard time understanding it.

100 Days of Summer

Yesterday, by God's infinite grace and mercy, I hit the 100 day mark of walking with Christ. 

Throughout the day I was actually depressed and down. These 100 days have been some of the hardest of my life. There are constant temptations, struggles, steps backwards- you name it. I probably cried every day for the first month.   

 (At least I don't do that anymore- it really makes wearing makeup difficult!)  

Why is a walk with God still so much of a struggle? 

OK! Way to be negative Alicia! 

A life with God never really gets easier but it does get more meaningful. 

Before CHRIST my life was filled with toxic relationships, a dead end job, addictions, deep seeded depression....basically I was dead. 

Now- I am ALIVE IN CHRIST- I have had 100 days of LIFE! How exciting is that?!  He has blessed me with newfound peace within my family, He gave me a community and love in Circles 3.0 and Rockharbor, He blessed me with a job in the field I am pursuing, He has been freeing me from the bondage of this world.   (Can you tell I'm excited??)

Let me give you a little glimpse into the love and support that has been showered on me 

(I am a blessed daughter of the King!)

Pretext: 

When my brother Matthew and I worked at Yard House our favorite song to sing together was 99 Luftballons 

(When I visited corporate to interview for a better position I even found the lady who did the soundtrack for the restaurants and requested she play it more often... she did... every day for the next month!) 

SO! I was at school thursday and my brother asked me to come home in between classes- when I got home and walked up to my room there was a note that read:

 "Stop there Miss Alicia! You have to knock before you come in!"   

I was confused but knocked as I was instructed to.

 Matt told me I could come in and as I walked in Matt was sitting there playing the song 99 Luftballons and this is what I saw. 

Yup. There were 99 Red Balloons All over my room.  

While I was laughing hysterically Matt videotaped my response and yelled, "Ha! Bet you weren't expecting something on day 99!"

Later that night Maya came home with my favorite ice cream and flowers and one of my best friends came over with a note of encouragement that made me cry, chocolate, and a gift with a ton of symbolism and meaning behind it. 

Day 100 we had a Circles 3.0 party and it was SO much fun! Amber and Matthew surprised me with... well... I'll just show you

Pretty much amazing. 

Then we had an amazing night filled with slices, love, laughter and games. 

They all sang and celebrated 100 days of life with me

And the best part: Ramer and I came to our fellow slices and asked for prayer and help with a struggle we both share. And the group embraced us, laid hands on us, and prayed for us.

The Lord was honored with our gathering and I can not think of a better way to celebrate our Father and thank Him for the gift of salvation. 

I felt so loved, encouraged and supported. 

Thank you to everyone who celebrated with me!!!  

 :) 

3rd Wednesday Comparisons

Sometimes I feel as if I've made so little progress because every day still seems so much like the same struggle.

When I look back at last month's Third Wednesday and compare it to this months- I do see little baby steps of progress. 

Last Third Wednesday:

I was very late

I sat outside 

On the curb

With my cigarette

Crying

Not wanting to even step foot inside and worship

I felt defeated 

I felt beaten

I felt lost despite being found

I cried out to the Lord to send me someone to talk to. And He did. 5 minutes after, some random girl from Fullerton came outside, stopped, and just helped me talk through everything that was going on. It was awesome- I was encouraged- but even then I still felt exhausted.

This Third Wednesday:

I was on time

I sat inside

In the center

With my Bible

Smiling

Wanting to be apart of every song

I felt victorious

I felt refreshed

I felt cleansed despite being a sinner

"By His stripes we are healed"  This is what the Lord gave me. I have so, so much more to learn and to grow. But I am cleaned and I am His daughter, ready to continue pressing on and serving our King.

Grey's Anatomy: A Heartless Scribe

So, you may have noticed (or maybe not) but I have been completely MIA as of late. This is because my life has been consumed with trying to pass medical training to be able to start working in the ER.

Tonight will be my first full night of sleep in about a week and a half and I'm STOKED.

But here is the thing- I've only done one shift in the ER and it was like being in a very real episode of Grey's Anatomy. Which was awesome. But sucky at the same time.

A 15yr old male attempted to OD on pills and then we had two patients rushed in per ambulance who went straight to critical care. The first was a 63 yr old male who was having a stroke, we had to immediately administer meds to sustain his heart rate, and as those attempts failed we intubated him and put in a central line. He was bleeding from both ends and the physician had me stand right next to him in the midst of all the craziness so I wouldn't miss a single detail. As we worked to stabilize him a STEMI (S-T Elevated Myocardial Infarction) was rushed in and we were able to get her heart rate back up enough to send her upstairs for heart surgery.

All of this whirlwind happened within minutes.

 I rushed back to my desk to work with my trainer to input every single detail into the charts. I barely acknowledged our stroke patient's son walk into the ER with a signed 'Do Not Resuscitate' sheet. The doctor looked at me and told me the man would not live more than a few hours at most. I felt bad, but not really. I was mostly stressed because I was trying to keep up with everything going on and all the information I was legally responsible for. And I didn't really know how to feel.

A patient wouldn't make it and I don't know how I feel about that. Is it okay to be numb? Or is it not humane?  I felt like a robot. A non-empathetic, poor excuse for a human... but more importantly.... a poor excuse for a Christian. I don't understand why I didn't feel anything. To me- all I saw was medical procedures and things I had been studying. I thought it was cool being able to see it all in real life.  Does that mean I have no heart? Am I just the heartless scribe in the ER? That's not who I want to be.