Unwelcome Morning Surprises

Since the breakup and my decision to surrender my life completely to the Lord, my ex and I haven't exchanged a single word. 

Facebook is blocked. 

Text and calls are blocked. 

Trust me, it needed to happen. 

Two days ago I woke up to my roommate informing me that my ex was right outside my front door. 

To say I was shocked would have been an understatement.

 I shook the whole first ten or fifteen minutes of our four hour conversation. 

I could barely pour my morning coffee. 

We went outside and I asked for a reason for the unwelcome surprise. 

The response, "I came to you to find hope"

Something had happened the night prior and my ex had gotten hurt and into trouble. The purpose of the visit was for comfort and peace 

That's not my role anymore. 

I was torn up. Upset at what had happened to my ex, upset that I wasn't there to stop what happened, upset that the presence of the person I had cut out of my life was stirring up every bit of confusion and turmoil within me. 

But here is the thing,

 at first I considered the interaction somewhat of a success. 

I didn't go back with my ex to long beach (as I always did before...no matter what). I avoided the kiss at the end and attempted to re-establish the old boundaries we have been living by. Yeah- I didn't throw my whole life away like I used to do for months when I was trying to get out of our unhealthy relationship- but I didn't win. 

My ex came to me to find hope. I don't have the ability to give hope or peace- but I sure know where to direct someone. I have the map to the treasure. I have the good news. It was then I should have spoke up and delivered the gospel just like Megan did in service. But instead, I sat on the curb and cried while I listened to a broken person who I love. 

The whole time my mind was consumed with thoughts about 

how I was feeling, 

how should I cover my shaking hands,

 how do I pass this test?  

Notice how many "I " statements there are??
How many were about the Lord?

A win would have been sharing the good news and a victory would have been another soul saved

Next time... I want to be ready. Until then, I need to train and prepare. 

First step- being thankful, everyday for God's grace and love, for the people in my life, for my Circles people (both leaders and slices) and the list is forever long. I'm going to keep diving into the Word. 

Running into Poles

So... life has it's ups and downs. Good days and bad days.

Today is a good day. The other days weren't as awesome this week.

Here was my realization. [And this is how I think... so it probably won't make any sense? You ready?! Awesome!]

To live in My Presence consistently, you must expose and expel your rebellious tendencies. When something interferes with your plans or desires, you tend to resent the interference. Try to become aware of each resentment, however petty it may seem. Don’t push those unpleasant feelings down; instead, let them come to the surface where you can deal with them. Ask My Spirit to increase 

Being a christian is difficult because of the whole faith thing. There is the Bible, but everyday decisions can be difficult.

I've lived most of my life in sin and basically the equivalent of ramming myself head first into a pole. I'm super good at it! I am competent at living worldly.

I'm no so competent with walking with Christ. That's scary.

I found myself getting frustrated that I was in pain and that dying to the flesh wasn't this easy glamorous transition.

If following Christ was the right thing then why did it sting so much?

Shouldn't I be over everything already?

Hm. Let me see... I spent years slamming myself into the 'pole' and now that it's removed I find myself actually moving forward in life. But it hurts- not because God removed the pole (as I sometimes like to attribute the pain to) but because I battered myself up and need to recover.

There is also an element of fear. I'm used to running until...BAM! I'm on my back- oh well! At least I can get up again and do it again. It's like a safety net in a way. Does that make sense?  (Probably not the healthiest way to approach life- but it worked for me)

But now I'm not greeted with that familiar slam.. now I actually have to walk with the Lord in faith and oftentimes uncertainty.

I'm out of my element.

Cool! Day 62 and I'm just starting to take little baby wobbly steps forward.

The pole can't be my 'safety' net-  this time it needs to be God.

The Ungodly Hour

This has been a week of VICTORIES!!! Praise the LORD! 

Two, very tempting opportunities came into my life and God gave me the strength to say no. And these weren't little cute baby temptations either. I'm stoked! The only reason was the Lord. I was just in the Word and reading my past years of journaling/devotion writing/prayers and I realized that every time I tried to stand I couldn't because I was so ensnared by sin. This time, I want both of my feet in heaven's camp. No more of this "one foot in the world- one in the word" nonsense.

Big medical update: I can drink coffee again! Can I get an amen for that one?!  jk... but really :)

Today I realized that I look towards Sundays (circles groups and services) as my 'Mountain Top Experience."  Midterms were last week and I let my quiet times with God slip.

SO! I was thinking.. God just gave me coffee... why not give it back to HIM.

Starting tomorrow, I will be waking up at the ungodly hour of 5:00am with cup of coffee in hand, spend time with my Father. I cannot walk without constantly being in His word and I am so excited to have a designated time with Him.


5am. Bring it on.


Also... The NY Giants took down the 49ers this week. nbd

Bipolar?

Sometimes I feel like I am 100% bipolar with the Lord

Today is one of those days

It upsets me that I can't have my old life and be with the person I "want" 

One day I will look back and realize how trivial and pointless these desires are...

How I was saved from a life of misery.

But right now...

Right now I want that old life back...

But it's not worth it.

Most of me knows that.